My life in a banana republic:March

Jambo!

Sex,sex, sex!

Forgive me for being shocking and for my absence. I have been writing my dissertation at the Queen’s University and being mesmerised by your sexual obsessions.

Why is it that your “wee country” , so good at soccer and peopled by so many pious people, is obsessed by sex?

Lord Morrow has stopped women selling their bodies for sex.

Now he wants the death penalty, not for having sex, I think…

The Attorney General has intervened [I like this nomenclature, does he turn up at court like Sergeant Wilson and say, “do you think that is wise Dec?”]. He has a thing or two to say about women’s bodies, I have heard. He thinks that abortion is bad.

The First and Deputy First Ministers have told him to intervene about all sorts of things. It must be hard to advise so many competing departments in so many different ways.  Mr Larkin is also exercised about gay discrimination. He has intervened. He should get out more.

As I predicted by me earlier , much money will be spent on these matters, almost as much as is spent on tea and biscuits at the Great Place on the Hill.

Catering and sex would probably pay for a cancer unit but where sex is involved you chaps spare nothing.

Basil McCrea has been cleared about being sexy. William Crawley wanted to know on BBC about the sexy goings on of a footballer. Many people got excited,  including Adrienne.

In my country sex is just a fact of life, like malaria.

Here is what I want to know. Where are your women folk? It must be that large numbers of them respect their man. Does Mrs Allister say: “I’m pretty sure that women should be in charge of their own bodies , Jim, but if you think not, that’s OK “?

I’m told that there is lots of sex on the Hill. Politicians, SpAds, officials, their wives and their children, anything goes. There are even gays in every party. That seems pretty normal to me, like Westminster , Lusaka or Washington.

But you are all in denial.

This excites me, in an academic way.

At present my PhD. dissertation is “Aspects of the diffuse narratives in respect of the disputed territories in the Indo-Tibetan Borderland”

I’m asking my supervisor if I can do “Sex on the Hill”, instead.

That should sell well in Bulawayo.

Jambo Jambo!

 

The Inquisition returns

Observers were astonished to discover that the Inquisition had been re-established in a quiet , leafy avenue in North Belfast.

Under the innocuous title of “Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith” the comings and goings at the large detached house on Somerton Road, owned by a lawyer, aroused local interest.

The arrival of a van which appeared to deliver gym equipment was noted by a neighbour.

“I asked the driver were my neighbours setting up a personal gym”, said Ben Avron.

“Not unless you liked to be stretched”, said Sammy of Sammy’s Removals.

Rachel Avron said , “my suspicions were aroused when I saw several members of the Alliance party going in but not Ford or the ginger girl”.

We attempted to contact the Congregation’s headquarters but nobody was available.Their website lists Torquemada and the last Pope among their Old Boys.

Our reporter finally managed to speak to Father Tom Beetroot. He said “It’s time the Holy Mother Church had a new hero. Someone who will die for the Church. A line has been crossed by these perverts.”

Ignoring the obvious retort, our intrepid reporter asked him , over the noise of torture, if he really wanted an Alliance MLA to die in opposition to same sex marriage.

“Yes”, he said, ” if it was good enough for someone in 1535, well before the Boyne, it’s good enough today.”

A spokesman for the Alliance party said that at present they were “mentally reserving”.

Why I’m voting for Danny

In South Antrim , voters have only two serious candidates for Westminster. The Reverend Doctor William McCrea, politician, blow in from Mid Ulster, pastor, singer and invisible man.

The other is Daniel de Burgh Kinahan, Big House Unionist.

McCrea, in my personal experience , has done nothing for victims and precious little for anyone else.

Empey got within 1183 votes of him the last time.

Kinahan appears to have been a busy MLA. He voted for same sex marriage though his response to me on abortion was vague and evasive.

It’s dispiriting that in the twenty first century , choices are still as limited as fifty years ago.

So, with not a pro-union left wing candidate in contention, it’s Castle Upton for me, rather than Clan McCrea.