Observers were astonished to discover that the Inquisition had been re-established in a quiet , leafy avenue in North Belfast.

Under the innocuous title of “Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith” the comings and goings at the large detached house on Somerton Road, owned by a lawyer, aroused local interest.

The arrival of a van which appeared to deliver gym equipment was noted by a neighbour.

“I asked the driver were my neighbours setting up a personal gym”, said Ben Avron.

“Not unless you liked to be stretched”, said Sammy of Sammy’s Removals.

Rachel Avron said , “my suspicions were aroused when I saw several members of the Alliance party going in but not Ford or the ginger girl”.

We attempted to contact the Congregation’s headquarters but nobody was available.Their website lists Torquemada and the last Pope among their Old Boys.

Our reporter finally managed to speak to Father Tom Beetroot. He said “It’s time the Holy Mother Church had a new hero. Someone who will die for the Church. A line has been crossed by these perverts.”

Ignoring the obvious retort, our intrepid reporter asked him , over the noise of torture, if he really wanted an Alliance MLA to die in opposition to same sex marriage.

“Yes”, he said, ” if it was good enough for someone in 1535, well before the Boyne, it’s good enough today.”

A spokesman for the Alliance party said that at present they were “mentally reserving”.