St William’s Gospel

  1. In the beginning was the UVF. And the Lord looked down upon it and was pleased, For God and Ulster.
  2. The UVF became a mighty host and it moved upon the face of the Earth, smiting the Enemy. And the Enemy smiteth  it not and God was pleased.
  3. So pleased was God that he gave to the Sons of the UVF and their Sons and their Sons for ever, the fertile lands of Ulster [well, most of it].
  4. And the tribes of Ulster prospered upon the plains and all rival tribes were unworthy in the sight of God , who cursed them with discordant music and dancing that was treated with scorn.
  5. The Lord gave these tribes an impenetrable tongue, which none in all the World could understand, not even the Priests of Babel.
  6. And two score and four years prospereth the UVF, by quiet and unassuming living.
  7. Then one came out of the West, by the name of Gusty, from the tribe of Spence. He had been a warrior and now he made war upon the Dispossessed.
  8. And God looked upon him and was not pleased.
  9. A mighty conflagration came upon the lands of Ulster.
  10. Up sprang the Association and saith unto the UVF, you have displeased the Lord and we are the True Sons of Ulster.
  11. And upon this , there was great violence, yea as between Cain and Abel.
  12. And the Lord’s word quelleth it not.
  13. And the Lord sent upon the lands of Ulster the People of the Box.
  14. And the People of the Box did set brother unto brother so that they might be wiped out from the Firmament.
  15. And they sent secret messages and set secret codes that the Sons of Ulster kneweth not.
  16. And the People of Ulster liked not the UVF nor the Association. And they were scorned on the Temple Mount , which is called Stor Mount.
  17. And the Lord made his face to shine on the Dispossessed People. And their music and their dancing was liked by all the Peoples of the Earth and in the Rivers  and on the Flatly Plains was their music and dancing heard.
  18. And the Lord loosened the tongues of the Dispossessed and straightaway the broadcasters of Ulster made their voices heard and they made a pleasing sound.
  19. And God said  onto the Sons of Ulster, in a terrible voice, did I not make you The People? And didst you not piss it all away?
  20. And great Trial and Tribulation fell upon the Sons of Ulster. Their mighty factories, in ships and planes and in linen and in rope were as nothing.
  21. And a great multitude of the Sons of Ulster were familiar with Brian Buroo, whom they visited each Monday.
  22. And they were troubled. Nothing like this has happened since that Job bloke got a hammering, saith the learned men of the Sons.
  23. And they turned to a False Prophet, whose name was Ian. How shall we please the Lord again, they cried.
  24. And the False Prophet took a moment away from the Temple Mount and the Money Changers and said, follow me because those who follow me will be THE PEOPLE.
  25. And the Sons of Ulster and each of them, followed the False Prophet, all save Peter
  26. And the False Prophet led the Sons of Ulster up a great hill, which was not the hill of Stor Mount but an even greater hill.
  27. And the False Prophet showed them a great land over the seas. This was the Land of their Fathers , he said and they would NEVER NEVER NEVER be sundered from it.
  28. And the Sons of Ulster were greatly pleased and they killed a goat and oiled the women and rejoiced, in a tavern called the Brown Bear.
  29. And it came to pass that there came out from the Land of their Fathers or from the Land of Song to be more accurate Peter The Hain, who was permanently touched by the Sun and who kneweth not the Truth, yea even when it smite him upon the visage. And lo, he spoke oily words to the False Prophet, like unto the hissing serpent. And he summoned the Assassins and all the tribes of the Dispossessed.
  30. And with a blinding light, God caused  his servant Andrew to move upon the waters of the Northern Sea. And all around were mighty afraid.
  31. And God caused the False Prophet to chuckle and all around him , yea all his Brethren did also chuckle and of the agreement there was no end.
  32. And the Elders of the Sons of Ulster cried out. We have been betrayed. And they rent their sashes and did put their bowler hats upon the fire. Great was their distress but greater was their anger.
  33. And they ascended the Great Hill of Stor Mount whereon was the Temple and they saith to the False Prophet , you have betrayed us. You are of the Tribe of Lundy.
  34. The False Prophet didst chuckle and said that he knew them not, not even those who had stood with him upon hillsides with tablets of stone, nor those who shared chariots and many weapons with him.
  35. Then did the Lord strike down those whom Andrew had spoken to, even unto the False Prophet and the Hermit of the Bogside and Peter the Punt [by way of his wife Jezebel] save for Geroid. And he said to him, for you I have reserved a Great Punishment. You will roam all the Earth, yea into its corners and crevices, even unto Strabane and ye will deny that ye have a beard. And all about you will shoot out their tongues and make fun of you.
  36. And Geroid saith Thank Fuck, Barra isn’t going to prosecute.
  37. But the Gospel unto St William digresseth.
  38. Onto the Sons of Ulster and unto the UVF and unto the Association and unto the community groups and unto the victims’ groups there came a Great Light.
  39. For another Ian , the Son of Ian cometh.
  40. And he told all of them, be not afraid, I bring you tidings of Great Joy. Unto us from the City of London is Peace I-IV. Riches beyond the Dreams of Avarice will flow to you. Your women will toil not, neither will they spin but will have tattoos. Ye will be truly like the Orange Lillies of the Field.  You will sit down with the Lion and the Lamb, for that is what the Criteria call for. Never again will you visit Brian Buroo, for that is in the past. You will beat your swords into ploughshares and your Romper Rooms into Community Centres. Ulster will be a land flowing with milk and honey [ and type II Diabetes]. This is what my Father chose for you , when you were poor , and didn’t have an ass in your trousers. He that chooseth another path and espouseth not the Agreement of Good Friday and the Agreement of Andrew will be cast into Outer Darkness and the Countenance of Community Funding will look not upon you.
  41. And the Sons of Ulster, whose fathers had once been mighty warriors and had saved the World from the Assyrians and the Hittites and the Hun, didst sit down  and sup with Ian.
  42. And the poor and the lame and the homeless and the cancer victims and the special needs children and the victims of sexual abuse and of state collusion and those on waiting lists were forgotten.
  43. This is the Gospel according to William and it has come to pass in most of Ulster.
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