Hi!

I’m in charge of the Irish Desk at Number Ten.

I was educated at a famous public school and read Greats at Oxbridge. Got a Third but as the man said only a Third and a First are worth a damn. I joined the Civil Service and progressed up the ranks.

They asked me to sort out the Paddies in the 1990’s.

Problem was that occasionally they slipped a big bomb into the City. [My chums were well pissed at that and I got grief at the wine bar on a Friday night].

So I came up with a scheme. All the green Paddies would be left alone,even the mass murderers, provided that the bombing stopped. They could be assemblymen or whatever provided they said that they were democrats, they could cross their fingers if they liked.

Then we had to deal with the Orange Paddies. They are big into their religion so we got a few compliant clerics to tell them all about forgiveness. Best of all we got that big Orange bigot Paisley turned. Not so difficult after Kincora. We then turned all the other sex offenders and gays in his party and the heterosexual ones with the dodgy spouses. [Main point was they couldn’t bomb the City.]

Of course they weren’t alone. We had the videos of all the important Green paddies abusing boys and girls.

Just how good are Box? Years of experience at our disposal!

Next we identified young wannabes in the law, academics, business, arts etc. They were all taken to Enniskillen and told how fab they were. Worked a treat. Now on the bench, chairmen of NGO’s , health trusts etc.

The place is trussed up like a turkey . No workable dissent.

There were occasional blips like Downey but since he was a tout it got sorted. Very worthy NI committee didn’t get a sniff….

As my old professor said: “finis coronat opus”.

They want me to sort out the Royal sex abuse allegations next….

Best….Piers  x