Somewhere in Belfast..
“Hello police exchange, how can I help you?”
“I want to report domestic abuse”
“One moment caller and I’ll transfer you to that team”
“Domestic abuse team, Sandy speaking”
“I want to report my husband for domestic abuse”
Sandy takes the caller’s name, address and telephone number.
“And what form does the abuse take, Ann?”
“He’s here right now, just listen”
Sandy listens, he hears nothing.
“Is your volume turned up , Ann, I’m having trouble hearing”
“That’s it , Constable”
“The silence- I’m getting the silent treatment, all picture, no sound, he frequently does this.”
“And your husband, what’s he doing at the moment?”
“A jigsaw puzzle, since this morning, not a word”
“I’ll send a car round”
“Wait constable, there’s more…he’s been humming”
“Do you mean the noise or the smell, Ann?”
“He’s been humming that tune again.. by the Devine Comedy, the one with the line “it’s hard to get by when your arse is the size of a small country”…you see I used to be an air hostess and that’s what the song’s about, he knows it annoys me”
“Don’t worry Ann , a car is on its way”
Later at Antrim Custody suite.
“Well, Tom do you know why you are here”
“Sarge, shouldn’t we caution him first?”
Tom is cautioned, to the effect that he doesn’t need to speak.
“Do you know why you are here?”
“You’ve been abusing your wife—you have been subjecting her to silences, sometime lasting hours- what do you say about that?”
Tom exercises his right of silence.
“This is what’s know amongst us Domestic Abuse Teams as the ‘silent treatment’, chummy, don’t you know that’s an offence?”
“Do you want us to call in Women’s Aid?”
Tom looks startled but remains silent.
“Or the rugby rape demonstrators?”
“Furthermore you have been, on a number of occasions, humming the tune “National Express” by the Devine Comedy—to wit, that your wife has a large bottom. What do you say about that?”
Contrary to his rights, Tom speaks.
“Are either of you familiar with Shostakovich’s Waltz Number 2?”
“Well, it’s a particular favourite of mine, that’s probably what I was humming”
“Is this Covich a communist, or a supporter of Al-Qaeda, what’s his address?”
Tom refuses to answer any more questions.
Later , a file is sent to the PPS…it could be many years before anything is heard from there….
Thanks to Adam Kula for first breaking this story and to Derek for one of the better jokes.