Dear Army Council,

I don’t have your postal address, so forgive me for using this method of correspondence. I hope that one of you might read this before heading out to the Felons’ Club.

To set everyone’s mind at rest and to stop unreasonable allegations, I wonder if you would confirm that:

1. Gerry Adams was never a member of the IRA.

2. Martin McGuinness left you in the 1970’s, was a terribly bad shot and was never on the Army Council.

A simple reply to my blog will suffice.